A little more than a year ago, I went with my family to an event that I never would have gone to a year prior. It was a fundraiser for a family wanting to adopt a child from another country. We walked into the room at the church hosting the event and couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the atmosphere. There were probably a few hundred people there: kids running around, people milling by the silent auction tables, raffle tickets being bought, treats being eaten, and a guy playing an acoustic guitar and singing in the background. The sounds of laughter and sweet fellowship filled the air as this group of people gathered for a wonderful cause. So why was this such a unique experience for me? My wife and I were once good friends with the couple this event was supporting. A number of years ago, we went to the same church. We were in the same small group. We each had our first children around the same time. We enjoyed life together.

Then something happened. I was on staff at the church we attended, and they wanted to help out in the ministry I oversaw. I took a stand for something that hindered them from serving. Then we took a stand against them that more than ended our friendship. They left the church. They left quietly, and they left hurt. I felt proud of my stand. I felt righteous and very justified. Then a number of years later, we were the ones hurt. We were the ones leaving quietly (well…as quietly as a former youth pastor and his family can leave after having been members for more than 10 years). Through the pain, confusion and transitions we experienced, my wife and I began to heal. We found relief from our pain. The healing and relief came in the most unexpected and delightful ways. We began to find answers—not answers about how everything ended at a church we had loved and been loved at for many years. We found answers about who we really are, answers about who we needed to be, about where God was leading us, about faith, community, ministry, love…It happened that these answers came from grace through forgiveness.

You see, this couple we had hurt became a burden to us, a burden we couldn’t shake. The pangs of conviction were there off and on as the years went by following their departure, but it wasn’t until the blinders were removed from our eyes as we experienced similar confusion, hurt and pain that we came to recognize the error of our own ways. I say “our eyes” and “our ways” because my wife and I were both at fault in this. I can take the brunt of the blame, though, as she simply followed my lead. This was a good couple who loved Jesus, each other, and genuinely loved others. In fact, the fruit of their lives in the years since has proven how silly and immature I was. They loved the church and wanted to serve and minister to God’s people. They weren’t a danger in any way, and as we felt the pain inflicted upon us, we became more and more aware of the pain we had caused them and others.

When you recognize you are the source of hurt and pain in another person’s life, you have two choices to make: You can explain it away and move on to hurt someone else; or you can go to that person and ask for forgiveness. The latter is what we did. We contacted them and found ourselves sitting in their living room one evening, sharing a story of what we were going through and how we had been led to make things right. We found forgiveness. Tears were shed, hugs were given, and fellowship was restored. Their example of grace toward us forever will be impressed upon my heart, and we couldn’t be more thankful to support them however we’re able as they grow their family.

Forgiveness is a sharp blade that cuts in two directions: It is hard to request, but it can be more difficult to give. It takes an incredible amount of humility to ask for forgiveness, but also the same amount of grace to offer it. In both situations, there is one thing that will hinder the requesting and the offering of forgiveness—pride. Pride is the anti-grace, anti-repentance, anti-I’ve-really-messed-up-and-need-to-make-this-right attitude. It’s also the anti-forgiveness attitude. It holds grudges and refuses to let go of the past. This is a problem that isn’t going to go away anytime soon—at least not until we are all in heaven and away from our prideful tendencies. As long as the church exists, there will be relationships, and as long as there are relationships there will be an infinite number of opportunities for people to hurt one another. An indication that we are moving in the right direction is not the absence of harm and conflict, but is the presence of repentance and forgiveness when harm and conflict occur.