We rarely allow ourselves to admit it. We resist it, deny it and internalize it. We never say it aloud, realizing few people can understand the simple fact that it can be lonely to lead.
I can’t tell you precisely how loneliness seeps into my life. Sometimes loneliness is associated with a ministry disappointment or a dip in the number of students in my ministry. Sometimes it isn’t. Occasionally it is related to the frequency of my quiet times. Sometimes it isn’t.
I have experienced loneliness after great outreach events and during long elders meetings. I have felt it in church plants, small town ministry and the suburbs in small and large churches. No matter where I go, it is lonely to lead.
Even after many years of ministry, I am still surprised at this unlikely companion; but it is a companion for which I am tired of making excuses. Honestly, I am unsure if we can escape the impact of loneliness completely. Only by acknowledging and addressing it do I hope to discover healthier modes of life, soul and ministry.
Why Leaders Are Lonely
Truth be told, some leaders are lonely because they are harsh, unpleasant boneheads who lack the virtues or social skills required to impact others positively. These leaders earn their loneliness.
What about the rest of us who strive to serve God and others with everything we’ve got? Good leaders can be found on any given day, prodding others toward excellence with a combination of inspiration, difficult conversations, encouragement and decisiveness. No matter how good we are, we will experience loneliness.
There are many contributing factors, but the root of the problem is this: Leaders are lonely because they have intentionally or unintentionally isolated themselves.
First, leaders isolate themselves from others—volunteers, staff and the people we lead in our ministries. Why? It could be the result of the leadership culture we inherited from our predecessor or the org chart. It could be personality. It could be a misunderstanding of what it means to lead. Or it could be a defense mechanism against disappointments and criticism.
Second and much more dangerous, leaders also isolate themselves from God at times. Sometimes we do this out of a sense of special privilege; we consider ourselves so spiritually mature that we convince ourselves that we can carry on without authentic connection with God. In other cases, we take on the suffering servant mentality and begin to live in a place of detachment.
Either way, isolation from God inevitably leads to draining the soul of all its reserves. We succumb to a robotic ministry with the spiritual substance of a package of Twinkies. I have hope for a better way.
Two Truths for Your Soul
There are two important truths I would like you to remember as you struggle with loneliness.
First, you are not alone in loneliness. Doug Fields, Mark Driscoll, Chuck Swindoll and many other leaders speak of loneliness. Noah experienced it while constructing the ark, Moses on Mount Nebo. The psalmist wrote about it; Jesus experienced it; Paul waiting for execution in a Roman prison admitted it.
Take heart. There is a good company of fruit-bearing, dedicated leaders who regularly deal with loneliness and discouragement.
Second, loneliness is not a sin. I feel a sense of freedom in just writing these words. Notice that loneliness is first alluded to in Genesis 2, when man was in the garden. This is before the fall, which occurred a chapter later. You also can hear loneliness cried out from the cross by the sinless Christ: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?”
When you find yourself struggling with loneliness, don’t add guilt and despair to the mix. Loneliness in itself is not a sin.
A Path Forward
As I have struggled with my loneliness and talked to other leaders about their battles, I have developed a list of ways to combat the legacies of loneliness.
1. Don’t lead alone. Find supportive champions. If you are feeling alone, perhaps you are standing alone, making decisions alone and carrying the entire weight of the ministry alone. This is not healthy and is a recipe for disaster!
I hesitate to take any credit for the support structure around me in ministry because it has more to do with the character and quality of leaders around me than any strategic plan of mine. I believe every leader needs Kevins and Jasons—two great leaders who are with me in the sunshine and rain of ministry.
When criticism inevitably comes their way about me or my ministry, they will graciously listen, discern an appropriate response and confront me if changes are needed. That is support! When I feel as if I am buckling under the pressure of ministry, they talk me through it and keep my eyes on what matters most. When I say something dumb, they extend grace. These guys are not just mentors and friends, but empowered leaders who are charged with helping me shape our ministry to be the best it can be.
While I think these guys are irreplaceable, I believe Kevins and Jasons are in nearly every church, but too often their high-capacity style is misunderstood, underplayed and maybe threatening to some. I challenge you to find these leaders, invite them to the frontlines, care for these leaders and their families, and position them for maximum impact. They will not leave your side.
2. Stoke your spiritual disciplines. Pursuing God’s presence should be a mainstay in the life of a Christian leader—not just in seasons of loneliness and discouragement. Discover what fans the flames of your faith and be relentless in your spiritual disciplines.
I am particularly encouraged to hear more chatter from leaders on the practices of listening retreats and prayer journaling. Do whatever it takes to find community and belonging in the arms of the One and Only. His terrifying presence propels us in so many healthy directions as leaders.
3. Be an authentic leader. I never want to be guilty of being the leader who knows everyone but doesn’t truly know anyone. Have you been there? Let’s be as authentic as possible and appropriate. Loneliness could be caused by people never knowing the real you.
Lead through good seasons and bad, be honest about your limitations and failures, share glimpses of your story, laugh, be present and available, and be courageous to address any potential awkwardness or hurt feelings. Move aside robotic, passionless and removed leadership; greater connection and authenticity works so much better.
4. Make time for your people, not just your to-do list. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, detail-oriented or a blue-sky guy, loneliness will sneak up fast if you are drowning in administrative tasks and details instead of investing in people.
Of course a balance needs to be found, but we forfeit our impact as shepherds and short circuit relationships if we are in our offices all day or in the corner of the coffee shop day after day. In addition to our regular programming, I have gotten in the mode of meeting with two key volunteers, doing two campus visits and two counseling sessions with students every week.
Do whatever works best for you and your ministry setting, but a sad reality I have learned is that people’s time doesn’t just happen; it must be planned and protected. I chuckle at a Jim Cymbala quote I heard a few years back: “Ministry leaders who remove themselves from their people get weird real fast.” So true!
5. Surround yourself with people who get it. It is always interesting to try to explain to other people what I do, even to people in my own church. A few years back, I noticed several youth pastors who were about my age recently had moved to my area. I saw a unique opportunity to connect with people who knew how it was to manage life, marriage and soul around the demands of youth ministry. One email resulted in great friendships.
Push beyond “How big is your youth group?” and pursue others in a similar situation as you.
Even if you’re doing all the right things, leadership still will be lonely at times. However (with God’s help), I hope to keep myself from paralyzing or prolonged loneliness. I will choose health and community over flying solo or being the top dog.
For your soul, family, students and volunteers, I hope you will join me in this. So long loneliness…at least until next week.
