As I met with Sean, a youth worker I was mentoring, it was obvious he was discouraged. I could tell by the way he walked into the coffee shop where we met every Thursday. What I had no way of knowing was that he had just lost his best volunteer and wanted to process what she had shared with him. Here is what he shared with me.

It was another difficult conversation with a leader in Sean’s ministry, someone he really respected. When Beth called to meet, he had a bad feeling that it was another, “While I really love students, I just have too many other things in my life to allow me to continue.” Instead, she began the meeting by asking him why he had gotten into student ministry.

“Honestly,” I told her, “it was because I was an intern at my church during college; when I graduated, I was offered a job. Ultimately, I really like students, enjoy being socially active, like speaking, and am pretty good at helping students have a great time.

“Why do you ask?” he said.

“I was not prepared for Beth’s response,” he told me.

“Well, I ask because I just can’t continue serving under you. I am just too frustrated to continue in your ministry. Sean, I felt I owed you a face-to-face meeting instead of a simple text as some of the other staff recently have sent. I have to be honest, I’m not sure you are cut out for student ministry.”

After a few moments of awkward silence, he made the decision not to run away from the conversation, but rather to lean in and try to learn. “Would you mind taking a few minutes to share with me specifics from the past few months?” he asked. While the response was shocking, he needed to hear it.

She began by saying he was consistently late to gatherings and meetings and recently had noticed he consistently was late to worship, as well. It set a bad example and told the team members they were not as important as whatever else he’d been doing. It was a frequent topic of conversation, including among the students. On top of that, when he did arrive, he often was not prepared. “Time is valuable,” she said, “and sometimes after we meet as a team, I realize we didn’t decide anything. Worse, we don’t walk away with clarity on next steps.”

Then she said she felt out of the loop and not informed as some of the rest of the adult leaders. She had missed a staff social the previous month due to him leaving her out of a group text accidentally. During their last conversation, she said he’d interrupted in order to text someone else twice and never had asked any questions about her. In fact, she said that he had asked a question only to interrupt her and that he had talked during the rest of their time together. She said his communication skills were lacking and needed work.

“By then, I could hardly swallow. I was feeling a little nauseated. I knew she was right,” Sean told me as he quietly sat back and sipped his vanilla latte. Then, he asked for my thoughts about how he could overcome some of these issues in his life. “Is she right? Am I not a good youth worker?” he inquired. I sat quietly for a moment, just trying to take in everything he had said and prayerfully respond with wisdom and grace.

My Response
After a pause, I looked directly at him and said, “Are her words true?” He quietly nodded his head yes and looked off into the distance with a blank stare. “Yes, what she said is true.”

Again, I paused to let his words sink in for both of us. Then I said, “Do you love Jesus, students and this thing called youth ministry? Because if you do, don’t give up!”

When he nodded yes, I continued. “Redefine your priorities. Actually, take time to write them down and post them where you will see them regularly. Grab hold of your time. Commit to honoring people by preparing, arriving early and pushing the team to clarity in your planning. End meetings with a Next Steps column on the white board that answers three important questions: What needs to be done? Who owns it? When is it due?

“As it relates to communication, ask yourself, ‘Who else needs to know?’ The reason we need solid systems and lists is because we too easily can miss that one person. We care for our ministry one person at a time. We earn trust one person at a time. Keeping our teams, students and their parents informed is how we show care and build trust.”

As we concluded our time at the coffee shop, I encouraged Sean to call Beth and ask her to consider returning to the team to help him master one of these areas and serve the ministry in this way. “Perhaps she could come alongside and help with improving communications,” I said to Sean. Perhaps her frustration was due to her mastery of one of these areas.

I’m pretty sure Sean was texting Beth as he headed out into the snow.