“I want to talk about pornography.” That’s what the 15-year-old boy said to me after hearing me talk at his Christian school about “God and Sex.” Sadly, he wasn’t a curious young dabbler looking for someone to help him understand whether pornography was right or wrong. Instead, he already was spending several hours a day looking at online pornography while masturbating.
This teen already was a pornography addict, and he’s not alone. A growing number of our students are either hooked at pornography or on the path to living future lives dominated and destroyed by pornography’s sick and twisted distortion of God’s good gift of sexuality. Should we be surprised?
The U.S. Department of Justice recognized the prevalence and life-shaping potential of pornography when it issued this statement: “Never before in the history of telecommunications media in the United States has so much indecent (and obscene) material been so easily accessible by so many minors in so many American homes with so few restrictions.”
By the way, that statement was issued in 1996, which was just about the time the Internet was beginning to enable people to access porn with a mouse click. Since then, the porn pandemic has spread like wildfire. It is estimated that 12 to 37 percent of all Internet webpages contain pornography. With the average age of first exposure to Internet pornography being 11 years old, our youth, children’s and parent ministries must recognize, understand and address the issue with urgency, knowledge and depth.
One 2006 survey found that 50 percent of evangelical Christian men and 20 percent of evangelical Christian women are addicted to pornography to some degree. If we don’t grapple with the issue now, that statistic will be terrifically high by the time our youth group kids hit adulthood.
In the Beginning—and Now
God made us as sexual beings, complete with our deep sexual desires, and said it was good. We have been created for sex and wired for intimacy; but with the advent of sin into God’s good world, nothing remains the way it was supposed to be. Sex “becomes distorted,” as Dennis Hollinger wrote in his book The Meaning of Sex “in its longings, directions, misdirected end and idolatrous impetus.”
It’s no surprise that our fallen sexuality yearns for, creates and consumes pornography, which fuels our fallen sexual fires. The rapid rise in pornography’s popularity has been facilitated by a perfect storm of three factors.
Accessibility. Fifty years ago, Playboy magazine entered the mainstream; but as of 1973 there were still fewer than 1,000 adult theaters across the country. Soon, home video technology enabled people to view pornographic films in the privacy of their homes.
Now, technology provides 24/7 access to pornography regardless of who you are or where you are. Google the term XXX and 1.5 billion results appear. A seemingly limitless, ever-expanding supply has created a world where even if your kids don’t go looking for pornography, it will find them.
Anonymity: There’s no more need to sneak into a quick-mart, pretending to be 18 years old so you can buy a magazine while trying to avoid embarrassing eye contact with the clerk. Now, nobody sees you, and you can hide your identity on online. Even believers with a clear sense of right and wrong easily can sit alone and indulge their lusts.
Sadly, the anonymous nature of pornography won’t matter in future years as pornography becomes more culturally acceptable and normalized. There will be no need to hide.
Affordability: Internet pornography doesn’t have to cost you a penny. Surveys show that 80 to 90 percent of those who access pornography online only access the plentiful free online material. It’s so easy even kids can do it, and they do.
Battling the Pornucopia
I was a curious and inquisitive 12-year-old boy when I was first exposed to pornography. That watershed moment is permanently ingrained in my brain. Today, the students you serve spend their formative years in a world where encountering and consuming pornography is the new norm.
You have the opportunity and the responsibility to address pornography with your students and their families. Here are three things to remember as you do.
1) Define your terms. Years ago, the Supreme Court struggled to define porn. Your students need you to tell them clearly what pornography is and explain why it is harmful if they are going to face it in their lives. The New Testament can help.
The Greek word porneia (por-knee-a) refers to fornication, whoredom, sexual unchastity, sexual immorality, harlotry and prostitution. Our word pornography comes from the Greek word pornagraphos, which is written descriptions or visual depictions of prostitutes. Drawing a connection between these definitions and the current worldwide scourge of sexual trafficking and victimization can help you open students’ eyes to what pornography really is.
In his book Closing the Window: Steps to Living Porn Free, Tim Chester defines pornography as “anything we use for sexual titillation, gratification or escape—whether it was intended for that purpose or not.” Another helpful definition comes from Harvest USA (HarvestUSA.org): “Anything the heart uses to find sexual expression outside of God’s intended design for relational intimacy. It is anything that tempts or corrupts the human heart into desiring sexual pleasure in sinful ways.”
Be sure to emphasize the anything, as our boys are typically drawn to visual representations and our girls are typically attracted to literary pornography such as the bestselling Fifty Shades of Grey Series.
2) Educate about pornography’s consequences. The old saying “actions have consequences” is true when it comes to pornography. Disobedience to God’s design for our sexuality leads to consequences that are immediate and long-term, personal and far-reaching. Contrary to what is rapidly becoming widely held opinion, pornography is not harmless, benign fun. The consequences are spiritual, physical, emotional and relational.
As with all sin, pornography destroys your relationship with God. Research points to a host of other negative outcomes. It distorts your view of sex and sexuality. It shapes sexual expectations as users expect others to “make love like a porn star.” It leads to sexual dissatisfaction and intimacy issues. Pornography teaches us to view other people not as individuals made in the image of God, but as nothing more or less than sexual objects.
The more you use, the more desensitized you become, leading into the downward spiral of more frequent and extreme use. Pornography fuels lust and leads people to believe marriage is sexually confining. Pornography users tend to engage in sexual activity at earlier ages, and they grow up to see having children and a family as unattractive prospects. New research on the brain shows conclusively that pornography is highly addictive.
Finally, a growing body of research is connecting pornography use to sexual addiction, sexual abuse and sex trafficking. On the flip side, there are absolutely no benefits to the use and abuse of pornography!
3) Take steps to respond. While there are no fool-proof and immediate strategies to prevent the kids you know and love from seeing and suffering from pornography, there are steps you can take to prepare them to deal with the inevitable temptation that most—if not all—of them have already faced and indulged.
As Martin Luther once advised, we might not be able to stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can stop them from building nests in our hair. Here’s a list of some of the steps to regularly include in your youth ministry.
Teach positive biblical sexuality. Start with the positive. Sex is a good gift from God to be expressed/experienced within the context of a monogamous covenantal marriage between one man and one woman. God does not look down on sex!
Remind them their sexuality is broken as is everything else in the world. Their default setting is sin; it’s for that reason they must be “soberminded and watchful” as “the devil prowls around like a roaring lion” who seeks to devour them and their sexuality (1 Peter 5:8-9). Let them know Jesus knows what sex is like. Yes, He shares in their temptation and is praying for them (Hebrews 4:15).
Engage in biblically based sex education at a young age. The reality is that by the time they arrive in your middle school youth group, much of pornography’s initial damage will have been done. Raise the awareness of parents and children’s ministry people at your church so they can proactively educate children in age-appropriate ways.
Teach them to respond to their engagement with pornography in healthy and redemptive ways. Encourage them to talk to their parents, seek help, share their struggles with others who can hold them accountable, and to run to God rather than pornography.
Process media portrayals of fallen sexuality together. Think with them about the skewed portrayals of sexuality they see and hear each and every day in film, music, TV and advertising. Challenge those portrayals that are sinful and wrong, while celebrating and affirming portrayals that reflect God’s will and way for sexuality.
Have people tell their stories. Invite those who are battling pornography addictions to share their stories along with how they are making it through with God’s help. Have them answer these questions:
“What made you give in?”
“How has pornography affected you?”
“How has pornography affected your relationships?”
“How have you learned to deal effectively with pornography now?”
Be ready to provide redemptive recovery resources. There will come a day when you will have to respond to a youth in crisis, and you will need to respond quickly. It’s best to do your research now and be prepared. Have a referral list of competent Christian counselors and other referrals at your fingertips. Know where the recovery and support groups meet. Provide a list of mentors who not only have been through it themselves but who can guide students to redemption and hope in Christ.
I don’t really want to talk about pornography any more than you do, but we must talk about it with our kids who, regardless of whether they know it, want to talk about pornography, too. They might not think so now, but they will wish they had if they get caught in pornography’s addictive grip.
We have a small window in which to get talking. Culture is shifting, changing pornography from the vice it was in my childhood to a matter of personal choice—and sometimes a virtue. What steps are you taking to guide your students through the spiritual, emotional, physical and relational minefield of pornography?
Addressing Porn: Suggested Resources
Here are some of the best resources to help you help your kids address porn:
DigitalKidsInitiative.com: The site for the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding’s Digital Kids Initiative includes a growing number of free downloadable handouts and other resources you can pass on to parents.
CovenantEyes.com: A site full of helpful resources including accountability software and free downloadable handbook, Porn-Free Church: Raising Up Communities to Destroy Secret Sins.
HarvestUSA.org: A site dedicated to addressing issues of sexual brokenness from a biblical perspective with lots of articles and resources on pornography.
Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William M. Struthers (InterVarsity Press, 2009) contains cutting-edge research on pornography addiction worth knowing and passing along. Read “This Is Your Brain on Porn: Virtual Sex and Brain Chemistry,” an excerpt from Struthers’ book, on YouthWorker.com.
Closing the Window: Steps to Living Porn Free by Tim Chester (InterVarsity Press, 2010) outlines a 5-step plan that you can enlist with your students to open the door to freedom, integrity and new life.
Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography is a DVD that offers compelling first-person testimonies that three men and a married couple share about how pornography ravaged their lives.
