I came to school and was supposed to tell everyone I fell down the stairs. That’s what I said when my friends asked. I said it again when the teachers asked. I hope they believed me.
– Tineal, 16
Abuse is painful. It’s also confusing. You hate it and want it to stop, but you don’t know if your choices will just make things worse. It may feel like you’re left with impossible choices, none of which are clearly the right one.
Sometimes you aren’t even sure that what you’ve experienced is “abuse.” You might think, Don’t most families have problems like this? Am I just being too sensitive?
Most of us have experienced some form of pain and abandonment. Since there’s no such thing as a perfect person, family, or community, all of us have been wounded by, and have wounded, others.
No matter what kind of pain you’ve experienced, it’s very real and also is unique to you. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. If something happened to you and it caused you pain, then it’s important. In this article we’re going to look at the pain caused by different kinds of abuse. If something applies directly to you, we encourage you to address it.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is defined as any injury (that’s not an accident) to a child or teen by an adult or older caregiver. This could include hitting, slapping, kicking, shaking, burning, or any other physical assault that causes injury.
Parents, including Christian parents, have different convictions about the types of discipline that are best and appropriate for their children. Some parents use spanking as a form of punishment and some don’t. It’s important for us to recognize that there’s a critical difference between spanking and child abuse.
State law is based on a simple principle: parental discipline shouldn’t cause physical injury to the child. Biblical teaching harmonizes with this distinction because the purpose of biblical discipline is to build up a child to maturity. Physical discipline that injures a child tears down that child physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s not okay to deliberately injure a child or teen.
Domestic violence can be broadly described as the use of physical violence (or the threat of physical violence) to control a family member. The goal of domestic violence is to have power or influence over other family members, which causes them to “stay in line” out of fear. Domestic violence includes not only physical violence, but also threats of physical violence. Threats can include verbal threats, implied threats (harming pets, property, punching a wall, etc.), or threatening to harm family members.
Some abusers will start by using physical violence against their partner or children, and then the violence will become less common because it has served its frightening, intimidating purpose. Once the abuser’s physical violence has been experienced by family members, abusers can intimidate and control merely by making threats or by attacking family pets or possessions instead of by directly assaulting family members (which could land them in jail).
Other abusers, however, continue to assault family members—some abuse their family members on a regular basis, and others are irregular and unpredictable. Whatever the pattern of physical abuse, it’s always painful and very harmful.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse occurs when someone uses (or exploits) a child or teen for his or her own sexual gratification through sexual contact or sexual interaction. At least one out of three girls and one out of seven boys experience childhood sexual abuse.
Contact sexual abuse is when physical contact is made. This can also be called molestation; and when it happens between family members, it’s referred to as incest. Sexual contact happens in a variety of forms and severity, but all cause a great deal of damage.
Sexual abuse can occur even when there is no physical contact. That’s called interactive sexual abuse. Interactive sexual abuse is the act of deliberately exposing a child or teen to sexual activity (images or information) that’s not appropriate for his or her age.
Interactive sexual abuse occurs when a four-year-old is allowed to look at his dad’s Playboy magazines, when a six-year-old watches sexually explicit movies with the babysitter, or when a thirteen-year-old has explicit sexual conversations with a young child on the school bus. When an older person puts his or her own sexual interests and pleasure ahead of the best interest of a child, that’s abusive.
The picture below is called a continuum—it shows the range and types of sexual abuse. The least severe offenses are at the bottom, with increasingly severe forms of abuse as you ascend the chart.
Anytime the activities listed on the continuum occur and are unwanted, it’s considered sexual abuse. That makes sense. But it’s also abuse in certain cases when a child or teen seems to have willingly participated in the activity. This happens in cases when an abuser is quite skilled at tricking the victim into thinking they’re willingly participating in the abuse (and even enjoying it). A child or teen cannot legally consent to sexual activity when there’s a significant difference in power due to age and/or developmental status.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that harms a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. Emotional abuse includes excessive, aggressive, or unreasonable demands that place expectations on a child beyond his or her abilities. It includes using mind games (manipulation) to get the child to do what he or she is told.
Emotional abuse also occurs when an adult uses the child’s emotions against him or her or punishes a child for expressing emotions. All of our emotions are a very important part of who we are—even the painful ones. A child who gets yelled at or made fun of for crying or feeling scared or angry is experiencing a form of emotional abuse.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse in which words are used on purpose to put down, attack, blame, or cruelly control another person. Many people who’ve endured physical or sexual abuse in addition to verbal abuse will report that years later the verbal attacks are what still haunt them the most.
Verbal abuse, including comments such as, “You can’t do anything right,” cuts deep into our hearts and makes us doubt that we’re important and that our feelings are accurate. Verbal abuse can stay with us long after any physical injuries have healed.
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is the inappropriate use of spiritual authority to force a person to do what’s unhealthy.
When a pastor or other church leader uses his or her influence to control or manipulate a person, that’s spiritual abuse. It could be manipulating someone into doing something that’s actually illegal and morally wrong. It could also be convincing a person to do what’s in the leader’s best interest, using guilt to keep a person in line, or teaching that pleasing or obeying the leader is the only way to know God.
Since spiritual leaders are seen as a representation of God, spiritual abuse distorts our view of God. So when a spiritual leader physically, sexually, or verbally abuses a person, it’s also spiritual abuse.
Another form of spiritual abuse is called legalism. Some people teach that the only way to earn God’s love is by obeying a long list of rules and regulations.
When Jesus walked the earth, there were legalistic religious people who emphasized the importance of looking good on the outside and of gaining God’s favor by keeping their long list of rules, in spite of the fact that their hearts were full of sin. These people were called Pharisees. Jesus repeatedly opposed them and angered them by his refusal to keep their rules. In fact, Jesus got very angry at the way they were leading people astray. In Matthew 23:25-26 Jesus says to them, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but [on the] inside [there is] greed and self- indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”
Jesus understood that when we focus on our inner heart being connected to the heart of Christ, eventually our outside actions and attitudes will automatically look more like Christ. Having a relationship with God isn’t about trying to look good on the outside so others think everything is okay. It’s also not about trying to earn God’s approval by our actions.
Having a vibrant relationship with God is about being honest with God and others about how we’re struggling, and asking for help and support when we need it. God knows everything about us—including our weaknesses, our struggles, and our past that has shaped us. He graciously accepts us as we are and lovingly speaks truth into our lives so we can grow. Then, when we experience that kind of love and acceptance, our outside behavior will naturally change for the good.
Bullying
Abuse can occur in a variety of settings, including the family. But abuse can also occur at school from the adults who should care for us, between friends, and between dating partners.
Bullying is something that occurs regularly and is often mistakenly blown off as a “part of growing up.” “Boys will be boys,” we hear people say. That’s unfair and untrue. Bullying is a form of abuse, and it causes pain and damage. When one person uses power or status to make himself feel good at another’s expense, that’s abuse. The damage caused by this betrayal and rejection from our peers can cause wounds that are very deep.
We hear in the news about students who have committed suicide or homicide due to the bullying they experienced. Bullying is not a new concept, but today its forms and prevalence have greatly expanded due to the use of modern technology.
Texting, instant messaging, email, blogs, social networking sites, and sexting provide abusers with anonymous ways to belittle and emotionally torture their victims in ways they might never have the nerve to do in person. In fact, part of the way that bullies feel powerful and dominant over their victims is by keeping their identity unknown. Being a victim of this type of abuse is particularly damaging because there’s no “safe zone.” Technology is everywhere, and going home from school is no longer a way to avoid a bully.
Online cyberbullying behaviors can then lead to other forms of abuse that occur in “real life.” Once an abuser can get others on his side, his actions can escalate into more bold and brazen forms of abuse—destroying or defacing personal property, insulting and name-calling in person, or even physically attacking his victims. The same dynamics and effects of abuse apply if the perpetrator is a “friend.”
If you have experienced, or are experiencing, this type of abuse from your peers, keep reading and apply the information we give you to your situation. Ask an adult for help. Talk about it. You’re not alone. In fact, laws are changing to better address the issue of cyberbullying. Emails, texts, and information posted online can be retrieved (even after it was deleted by the user) by police and used to prosecute offenders. The myth of online anonymity is going away.
Questions for Assessing Abuse
1) In 2005-2006 almost 3 million American children were abused or neglected. Based on your experience, do these numbers seem accurate?
2) Have you ever thought the pain you’ve experienced might be considered abuse?
3) Does naming any of your painful experiences as “abuse” make you feel better or worse about your situation?
4) Which kinds of abuse have you experienced?
5) Who are the people in your life who have acted abusively toward you?
6) Create a timeline of your life and write the 10 most significant events in your life so far. Put the positive events above the line and the negative events beneath the line. After you’re done put a star next to those events you feel willing to share with a safe person.
Steven R. Tracy is professor of Theology and Ethics at Phoenix Seminary in Phoenix, Arizona. He and his wife, Celestia, a family therapist, are the founders of Mending the Soul Ministries, a non-profit Christian organization that provides training, curriculum and education on abuse prevention and healing. This article is adapted with permission from Mending the Soul Student Edition, published by Youth Specialties/Zondervan. Copyright © 2011 by Steven R. Tracy and Celestia G. Tracy.
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