“An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something. Most often the term enabler is associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. For example, an enabler wife of an alcoholic might continue to provide the husband with alcohol. A person might be an enabler of a gambler or compulsive spender by lending him or her money to get out of debt.
“In this fashion, though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem such as as addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to the gambler, for example, the gambler doesn’t have to face the consequences of his or her actions. Someone is there to bail the person out of trouble and continue to enable the distructive behavior.
“The term enabler is also part of the larger definition of codependency. Codependency at first arose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he or she lives with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain so because he or she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the ill person. In fact, the codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows one to be involved in fewer conflicts.” —WiseGeeks.com
As an 18-year recovering alcoholic, I know full well the who, how and the why of enabling. Really—I do. I know full well of those who enabled me—some had no idea of the how they may have enabled me—but they did. I also know there were those who enabled me because if I got help that would mean the partying and the days of Solin being fun would be over; so, keep the behavior going. After 18 years of sobriety, 18 years of ministry and beyond, I can tell an enabler a mile away. Can you?
Enabling behavior has its roots in fear—fear that change will take place, which in turn drives people to enable others to keep doing destructive behavior. Destructive behavior is not all about the big ticket items (i.e., drinking, using, over-eating, etc.) Enabling is a reality of parenting, even among those parents who are committed to a relationship to Christ. Some parents can be so fearful of what is better for the student (but not see past the pain of change) that the parent will enable the student to keep doing the same thing in order to keep the pain of change (growth) from happening. In their minds, they think, “It’s OK to postpone the pain. It’s OK to postpone reality,” because the change will be difficult and it will all work out. Those of us who have been in this a long time know full well the longer the enabling continues, the harder the fall is in the future.
Some parents just don’t want their student to grow up because the parent can’t stand the thought of their student facing the cruel world, the pain of cutting the apron strings is too hard for the parent or their student may go through some tough times as their faith is stretched and tested. All the above is not easy for any parent, but ultimately we all must face the cruel world, have our faith tested, face life without our parents.
Ultimately, the student and enabler have to face a greater pain or much more of a disastrous result likely will take place. What is thought to be well intended, deep down the enabler knows the truth about his or her actions. Do you know anybody who behaves that way? Is anything such as this going on in the lives of your students? I see this kind of thing weekly.
Herein lies the real rub. Someone must call the enabler to face the truth. That is not fun and is not what people like to hear. I have to face it doing student ministry, and I see it all the time. What is beneficial to students is to help them break away from what is easy, comfortable, peaceful or safe. Safe does not always mean right. As a matter of fact, those protecting or wanting students to be safe are very difficult to deal with. I find it interesting that Jesus was not safe (see
Maybe it is not understood that way, because keeping people safe seems to be a the right thing, while actually it’s an effort to maintain control. While God in His goodness wants to teach His people to trust Him, to live by faith, that perseverance has value, keeping students safe may be enabling students not to trust, not to walk by faith, not to rely on Him.
I feel for those who continue to enable, and those who enable because of their own codependency. Why? Because they are missing out on what God wants to do in their lives and those they enable; they’re missing out on opportunities for their own growth. It is much easier to think playing it safe is best, but until one puts his or her life solely in the hands of God, life will always be a scary.
I believe a relationship with Jesus goes way beyond codependency and enabling. As a matter of life experience, it seems to me the more one follows, the more one trusts in Christ, the less that person is dependent on all the stuff, the accolades, the approval of others.
During my two decades of ministry, I have seen much enabling, much codependency and not much in the way of helping students and their parents get past these behaviors. Usually, the terms codependency and enabling are thought to be terms used for drastic situations, but any time a parent turns his or her head away from the truth of their child’s behavior or continues to say yes in order to avoid conflict or disturb the apple cart, codependency and enabling are in play.
It is time to talk about these issues with parents. At least it is time to bring in professionals to address our parents regarding these important issues. Avoidance will not help; throwing out Bible verses will not help; trying to control students’ behavior and attitude won’t help. Our student ministries—if they are going to produce healthy followers of Christ—must face these issues head-on. Find some counselors in your area to have a few parent meetings to talk about it. If one of your top five goals in your ministry is to produce healthy followers, codependency and enabling must be addressed. This is about helping students fly into life with a healthy view of relationships and a healthy way to live life following Christ.
See more by Don Solin here.
