I lost my son during his freshman year of high school. This realization has been a slow and painful process—one that my wife and I have struggled to accept. Prior to my son’s 17th birthday, we came to the realization that our son was depressed.

We did not see the signs right away. Our son was active and engaged early in his high school experience. He was doing reasonably well in his academics; he was excited and energized about being on the varsity football team; he had made a national Olympic weightlifting team and competed in Atlanta his freshman year; he had many friends—several of whom seemed to live at our house on the weekends.

However, as the months wore on toward his junior year in high school, there were disturbing trends. He became apathetic about his academic work and failed several courses. He dropped out of football and weightlifting. The many friends who had once lived at our house began disappearing one by one. In just a few short weeks, prior to the beginning of my son’s junior year of high school, he was alone. All of his time was spent in solitary pursuits. His late-night habits became even more pronounced, and he began sleeping during the daylight hours. He no longer wanted to accompany us to church, participate in youth group or eat with us. At times, his anger spilled out in incredible torrents of rage—always directed at us, his parents—then he almost immediately lapsed into an apologetic state of brokenness and seclusion.

My wife and I were at once concerned and embarrassed by our son’s behaviors. As the senior pastor of a large congregation, there were many in the church who began asking, “Where is your son? I haven’t seen him in awhile. What’s up?” At first, I did not answer these questions, but shrugged them off. My wife, being a teacher, could scarcely cope with the thought of our son’s apathetic attitude toward school work and his insistence that he was going to “drop out.” In short, our son’s depression had come to define our family, and was our secret. Not only did our son feel alone, but we felt alone, too—isolated and cut off from the many sources of connection that had given our lives meaning. We didn’t know where to turn. My son’s teachers did not see the depression in him. Our extended family did not understand why our son couldn’t just “pick himself up” or “get on with his life.”

Eventually we sought professional help. Our son fought us every step of the way—through the testing, counseling and treatment designed to help him. He could not understand why we, his parents, were betraying him, why we were inviting strangers into our lives—strangers who were giving us advice on how to cope, medicate or orient our lives around this beast of depression.

One of our counselors told us: “This depression impacts every aspect of your lives. In many ways, it would be easier to deal with your son if he had a drug or alcohol addiction (he doesn’t), or was intellectually challenged (he isn’t). This reality is going to be with your son, perhaps all of his life; so you will need to learn about it and help him react to it.”

Depression crushes people. Depression is an anger turned inward. Depression crushes the family, too.

As a pastor of 30 years and one who continues to work with teenagers, I have now a greater empathy for parents who have a son or daughter dealing with a mental health issue. I’ve known young women who have struggled with anorexia. I’ve seen many young men whose depression led them into the dark hole of drug addiction or alcoholism. These are not excuses; there are many ways depression manifests itself and digs its talons into our lives. That is why we need God’s help. It is why the church and why youth ministry is so important.

I’ve also become more away of how important God’s grace is in all of this. There are many biblical personalities who suffered with depression. Elijah in the cave, comes to mind. The prophet Jeremiah in his pit. The psalmist speaking of those who have consumed him. There is also evidence the apostle Paul may have struggled with the beast while enduring his hardships, imprisonments and beatings.

In time, my wife and I began to open up to others. We realized we needed to invite other people in if we were to be of help to our son; this was difficult, and we are still finding our way through the questions and the solutions.

One thing we’ve learned: A youth ministry can be a powerful tool for healing. We are grateful to the teenagers who have reached out to our son, who have expressed concern for his isolation. We are grateful to youth leaders who are compassionate and engaging. We are grateful for these friendships. In time, we pray these will make all the difference in our son’s world.

Some signs youth leaders can look for that might help identify teenagers struggling with depression:
• Isolation
• Withdrawing from the group (sometimes suddenly)
• Apathy toward academics or once-cherished pursuits
• Anger
• Frustration with peers
• Bleak outlook on the future
• Silence
• Non-participation on retreats or mission projects
• Withdrawing from family
• Absenteeism at youth group, worship or Bible study

How youth leaders can help a depressed teen:
• Send a card or letter expressing heartfelt concern and support.
• Send a text message, entry on Facebook or voicemail inviting participation at events.
• Let parents know of your concern.
• Be available for a talk—or just listen.
• Don’t chastise, judge or attack a withdrawn teen. This only worsens the feelings of isolation.
• Invite the teen to help with their talents and abilities.
• Lift up the teenager’s talents and abilities.