During a normal Tuesday high school staff meeting, I received a phone call I had hoped and prayed I would never receive. The voice on the other end informed me that one of my students had taken his life the previous night.
I heard stories early in my youth ministry career about other youth pastors losing students to suicide. Since then, it has been a legitimate fear of mine. The last thing I ever wanted to deal with was the suicide of one of my students. Just a few months ago, I was having a conversation with my wife about this very subject. I was sharing how blessed I had been never to have walked through such a horrific event.
No amount of Bible college or seminary training can prepare somebody for this type of tragedy. My emotions ran wild from deep grief and ultimate sorrow to strength and courage as the leader and shepherd of students. I found that the greatest guides during this time were the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of those who had gone before.
The fact that we even have to write articles about how to handle teen suicide is terrible; but if statistics are true, you likely will deal with it, too. So it is important to talk about what to do and what to expect. I, by no means, am an expert in this subject. I am just writing as one youth worker to another. The following are four things I learned from walking through a teen suicide in my youth ministry.
1. Take care of yourself.
You are going to feel an intense pull in two directions. The first is to care for everyone else except yourself. In this direction, you likely will put on a brave face for the world and fight hard to feel very little and pour everything into others. This is a very dangerous path to take because it is a fasttrack to a harsh crash and burn. There is only so much you can take until you need to grieve and work through the pain, as well. The second is toward guilt. Often in cases of teen suicide, there are a lot of “What-ifs?” You cannot play the What-if Game with yourself. In most cases, there is nothing one individual could have done. Are there signs? Sure. However, you cannot live with the guilt. Unless you are chained to someone 24/7, you cannot control all outcomes. Take time to grieve. Cry with your leaders, family, friends or anyone who will listen. If you do not care for yourself, you will be of no use to anyone.
How does caring for yourself look? First, do not neglect your own personal time with Jesus. He will be the ultimate Sustainer during this time. Second, rally around you a team of prayer warriors who will battle for you and your students. Finally, take some time off after the initial wave hits.
2. Care for the grieving family.
The next priority has got to be the family facing this tragedy. If the family is heavily connected to the church, I would suggest having another pastor who has a relationship with the members do the bulk of care for the family. If there is nobody else, then you obviously will take that role. I am blessed to be a part of a great team of pastors who rallied around the family. They gave far more support than I ever could have dreamed of doing on my own. If at all possible, seek the help of other pastors to engage the family to free you to be able to care for the students and parents.
3. Care for the students.
Teenagers are just starting to figure out how to talk to someone of the opposite sex; they are not going to deal well with a fellow student’s tragic death. There will be questions, doubts, anger, fear, depression and even suicidal thoughts that follow tragedies such as this. I hardly understood how to process such a gut-wrenching, mind-numbing tragedy; it was another agony to watch other teenagers try to process what had happened. This is why it is important to strike while the iron is hot, so-to-speak. We found out Tuesday morning and by Wednesday night had a gathering with students and parents that was designed to minister to them. I talked about suffering, comfort, loss and the fact that we all process and grieve differently. I did not realize it at the time, but I now believe this was the single most important thing I did for the students. The regularly attending students were more unified than I had seen them before; many students from the high school not affiliated with church came; and parents attended and were unified.
The other important thing I learned was not to reengage with normal routines too quickly. We took an extra week to process with the students before going back to our normal program. This step away from normal helped them process how grief and sadness intersect with faith in a loving and gracious God. They needed this time to process with leaders and parents before returning to normal.
4. Pandora’s Box Opened
One thing I did not account for was that a teen suicide such as this would open Pandora’s Box of deep suicidal thoughts and actions in other students. I had heard that often after a teen suicide other teenagers will view this as an acceptable alternative to life and will attempt to copy the situation. I did not expect it to the magnitude I saw it happen among our youth. Within a few short weeks after this tragedy, my high school staff and I had five interventions with kids and parents because of students who had a plan ready for execution for taking their own lives. It is important to distinguish between depression-like symptoms and actual suicidal thoughts. We took nothing lightly. What we would usually consider normal teenage behavior we took very seriously. We hear students talk about depression a lot but do not need to act on every conversation. In this case we did.
Nothing about the week or the weeks that followed was easy. This whole process is difficult, and it is extremely messy. I can’t see much good in a situation such as this, but I can tell you one thing is certain: I was able to witness the bride of Jesus Christ Himself living out the calling of the church. The family was met with so much love and mercy from fellow believers that it was inspiring to watch. They had a group of people who literally did not leave their side for days at a time. Meals were taken care of, plans were made, tears were shed, and Jesus was present every step of the way.
Branden Campbell, High School Pastor, Rolling Hills Community Church; Website.
