I’ve walked with Jesus for more than 50 years. Most of those years have been spent in full-time vocational ministry. I’ve tried to be intentional about contributing to the field of youth ministry by modeling faithfulness, thoughtfulness and servant-hood. I’ve made my mom proud!
However, until very recently, I don’t think I’ve really had a hot clue about what it means to love Jesus. Yeah, you heard me right.
My wake-up call came on a chilly April morning. I had been meeting every Tuesday morning for two years with a delightful small group of young men who were unusually gifted student leaders on the college campus where I taught. After investing deeply in one another’s lives for all that time, we were a week from graduation, and it was almost time for them to head out into the real world to make their contributions to the kingdom.
It was our last morning together, and I wanted to challenge and bless them in a meaningful way. The passage that came to mind was
It was a great message for a bunch of 20-something leaders at the end of their college years. I think I nailed it that morning—the words were carefully crafted to challenge them, and the guys responded with soft and open hearts. When I finished, I walked around our little circle of male bondedness, laid my hands on each of their shoulders and sincerely prayed the Father would bless and keep them.
As we walked away from the coffee shop that morning, I felt great about what had just happened…at least until I turned into the alley that was a shortcut to my house.
A Question from Above
I heard God’s voice. It was unmistakable, and He had a question for me.
“Marv,” I heard Him say. “You spoke this morning about the perils of one’s love for Me fading. I’m just wondering…have you ever actually had a love for Me? If we looked closely, would there even be a love for you to lose?”
“Of course,” I protested! “Look at all I’ve sacrificed to be in ministry. Look at how hard I’ve worked…the students I’ve mentored, the seminars I’ve taught, the books I’ve written, the old cars we’ve driven, the vacations we haven’t taken! How can you question me like that?”
In spite of my sputtering incredulity, the question haunted me the rest of the day.
Finally in frustration, I cancelled a few meetings, locked my office door and drove to my quiet place—a clearing in the woods near the campus where I often went to read, pray or just escape the endless stream of students who routinely came knocking at my door.
As I sat in my car, I simply echoed the prayer of David and said, “Search me, oh God, and know my heart.”
And He did! Why was I surprised? He took me on a whirlwind review of my spiritual life that unfortunately exposed a hollowness I never could have anticipated.
A Life not Based on Love
It started with a look at my childhood conversion experience—probably not so much a memory as my imagined version of the story my parents had told me a hundred times. I was 5 when I asked Jesus into my heart, probably because that’s what kids who grew up in families such as mine did when they were 5 years old. Apparently it really made everyone happy!
A thousand additional fear-driven conversion prayers marked the next five years of my young life just in case I had done it wrong or perhaps God hadn’t heard me.
It wasn’t long before fear had given way to guilt. As a preteen, I was becoming painfully aware of my depravity. When that was combined with a picture of an angry (or worse, sad) God whose standards were being violated every time I blew it, I committed myself to doing all I could to keep Him happy. Perhaps the spiritual apathy that marked my high school years that followed was rooted in the despair of never feeling as if I could measure up.
When I got to Bible college, I got a new lease on my spiritual life. I hadn’t been on campus for more than a few nano-seconds before it became clear the godly young women were looking for godly young men, and I quickly learned the role. Not only did it make me a wonderful brother (the first Bible college step toward becoming a wonderful husband), it also earned me privileges, applause and leadership roles. The social benefits were enormous!
By this point, I had reviewed 15 years of my Christian life; and frankly, not much of it was marked by a deep and growing love for Christ.
Sadly, it didn’t get any better. Being a godly young man in college made me a great candidate for a ministry position, and I jumped into a full-time vocational role with reckless abandon. One successful job gave rise to another. Seminary, sabbaticals, post-graduate research, a professorship and a whole lot of kingdom busyness marked the next 40 years.
Now What?
So there I was…sitting in my car in a lonely clearing in the woods, facing the reality that family tradition, fear, guilt, apathy, social advantage and vocational expectations had played the biggest part in shaping my relationship with Christ.
Truly knowing and deeply loving Him hadn’t ever really been part of my spiritual vocabulary. I wept at the thought.
He met me there that day, faithful in spite of my failings, inviting me into renewed intimacy as did the father of the prodigal in the story He told His disciples; and He opened my eyes to see Him for who He is.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned in the months since that day. I’ve immersed myself in the gospel, and the three letters written by the disciple Jesus loved. I’ve learned that as difficult as it is for me to love Him, it’s even more difficult for me to let Him love me in that grace-filled, no-strings-attached way He loves each of us.
As it turns out, love’s got everything to do with it. I just wish it hadn’t taken me 50 years to figure that out.
Marv is an author, professor, speaker, grandfather and youth ministry veteran of nearly four decades. He is the Canadian Director of Youth Specialties and YouthWorks!, as well as serves as the Communications Coordinator for the Canadian Roundtable on Youth and Young Adult Ministry. He also oversees the Canadian Centre for Adolescent Research. He is the author of half a dozen books on youth ministry including Building and Mobilizing Teams. He received his M.A. in Marriage and Family Counseling from Grace Seminary and his D.Phil. from Oxford Graduate School.
