If you work with girls, you know how their friendships can bring them pain. Girls are territorial about friendship and have been known to go for the jugular when threatened. Not only does this topic have relevance for you as you work with girls, but you may be surprised to find some parallel relevance to your own friendships.
Christy is a gifted woman who sometimes travels with me to my speaking engagements. I often bring her up on the platform to share her story because she overcame a problem that plagues many girls and women, though many do not realize they have it. All Christy was aware of initially was that her friendships continually disappointed her, bringing her misery. When she begins her testimony, women are nodding, identifying with the beauty of female friendships.
You know the excitement you feel when you meet someone with whom you truly connect? You find you love the same things, think alike, and can almost finish one another’s sentences. There is a delightful sense that God may be giving you a kindred spirit friend. That’s how Brooke and I felt when we met. We each were ministering to youth: Brooke was a teacher, and I was a leader in Young Life. We were also both single women who loved the Lord. Soon we were e-mailing or talking on the phone almost daily.
Friendship is a great gift from God. Our problem is that every single one of us has a tendency to turn His good gifts into gods—making them our Solid Rock. We may say, for example, that God is our identity; but in reality our identity may be in friendship, ministry or marriage. As the relational sex, women often cling too tightly to people: friends, children or husbands. When they let us down, as they will, we find ourselves devastated. Christy would find herself getting anxious if Brooke was unavailable:
When Brooke’s day as a teacher ended, if I didn’t hear, “You’ve got mail” on my computer, I would begin to question what Brooke’s thoughts were or what she might be doing with the rest of her day.
During that time, Christy planned a New Year’s Eve party. Brooke had begun dating a man at church whom Christy had admired, and Christy began to dread how she’d feel when Brooke brought him to the party. It wasn’t just that she knew she’d feel the pain of romantic jealousy, but also the jealousy that this man was getting to spend a significant amount of time with Brooke—time that Brooke no longer would have for Christy. The next day, Christy felt ill. She stayed on the sofa for three days, thinking she had the flu.
A few days later, another of Christy’s friends approached her and said, “Christy, you don’t have the flu. You have a problem with expecting too much from your friendship—and it’s become a pattern in your life. You need help.” The friend gave Christy the name and number of a Christian counselor who had helped her. She told Christy she would call the next day to make sure she made an appointment.
Christy remembers the pivotal dialogue in that first counseling session word for word.
“Christy, you became a Christian, a believer, at a young age, correct?”
“Yes. I accepted Christ as my Savior at Vacation Bible School when I was 8.”
“Christy, do you need a Savior?”
“Of course I do.”
“What is it you need to be saved from?”
“I need to be saved from sin so I may spend eternity in heaven with Him.”
“Well, will you let Him save you from this?”
“From what?”
“From this sin.”
“What is this sin?”
“Relational idolatry.”
When her counselor used the term idolatry in reference to Christy, she was shocked because she knew idolatry was a sin. It became clear to Christy she was worshiping people rather than God. The approval and security of others had become more important to her than God’s approval and security.
When we think if idolatry as worshipping statues, we are being naïve. Ezekiel says we have hidden idols of the heart. We have legitimate desires for security, affirmation and love—all desires God wants to meet—but when we run to the created thing instead of the Creator to have those needs met, that is idolatry. Idols promise to help solve a problem, but that is a lie. The truth is, when we expect friends, food or Facebook to be the refuge only God can be, we eventually experience pain.
What I have seen in my life and in the lives of other believers who are on the road to freedom, is that God often has to shock us to awaken us. He may use friends; He may use His Word; or He may use suffering. He’ll do whatever it takes to show us the tumors growing in our hearts because His love for us is intense.
The term relational idolatry did awaken Christy, for deep in her heart she loved God and did not want to be an idolater. Now she had a specific sin she could present to the Lord for His forgiveness and confess to Him the guilt and shame she felt for having her affections misplaced. She wanted to be set free from the misery she kept experiencing. So she was willing to do whatever it took, no matter how painful.
In Christy’s case, it meant a period of separation, counseling and immersing herself in the Word and in good Christian books that would help her see not only the danger of relational idolatry, but also increase her intimacy with God. Idols cannot be removed, only replaced; and the only One capable of meeting the deepest desires of our hearts is the Lover of our souls. Today, Christy has healthy and meaningful friendships, including a healthy friendship with Brooke.
Christy, having her own heart issue resolved, is a better youth worker. She shares with girls what she has learned, and they can see that she has more than one close friend and that she gives grace when they let her down. She tells the girls that she cherishes her friends, but she knows her friends will let her down. They may move away; they may reveal their feet of clay; or they may die. However, Jesus never will leave her or forsake her.
Dee Brestin is the author of The Friendships of Women, and her recently released book is Idol Lies: Facing the Truth About Our Deepest Desires. To see video testimonies from women set free from their hidden idols, go to Dee’s website.
