“He’s just a typical middle school boy; he’ll outgrow this.” I was concerned that my son kept forgetting his homework, and his math teacher’s response helped ease my nerves. As a parent, I don’t want to hear that this is a phase or that my son forgets things just because he’s an adolescent boy. I want the problem fixed. I want him to keep track of his homework, his soccer cleats, his lunch bag and his jacket. I want him to remember he has math tutoring tonight, just as he does every Tuesday night. There are a lot of things I want him to keep track of, so why can’t he seem to remember anything? As a parent, this frustrates me to no end.
I’m not alone in this. I hear my concern for my kid echoed in the concerns other parents have about their kids.

“Can you make sure Jacob remembers to bring his jacket home from youth group? He seems to be forgetting things everywhere he goes,” his mom, Amy, says to me.

“Sure, no problem. It’s definitely normal for boys this age to forget things. You should see our lost and found.” (This was me in my youth minister role.)

Amy was comforted by the news that she’s not alone in her struggles. As youth ministers, we know a typical junior high student will forget things. In fact, we plan on it; we know they are naturally distracted. To help out, we not only make announcements, but we follow up with emails and texts, as well as communicate directly with parents. We honestly don’t expect a group of junior high students to make it home with a flyer from youth group, so we put the same information on the website.

In youth ministry, dealing with the concerned parents of youth often can be as frustrating as working with teenagers themselves. After years of professional youth ministry—and struggling to understand the parents who made my job difficult—the nearly inevitable happened to me. My own child became old enough to enter the youth group, which meant I became one of them, one of the concerned parents of youth. Talk about having your perspective changed. It is one thing to talk typical junior high development as a concept; it is entirely different when you have a moody junior higher living in your house.

What Do Parents Need to Hear?
Being the parent of a teenager is a daunting task, leaving parents wondering if their own child is normal. As youth workers, we have a unique opportunity not only to minister to youth, but also minister to their parents by explaining developmental and brain research findings and helping to answer the big question on each parent’s mind, “Why is my kid behaving this way?”

For example, is it normal for my son to want to fit in with his friends so desperately at this age? (Yes.) Is it normal for him to have a meltdown if his relationship with a group of friends is not working out the way he wants? (Yes.) A parent might wonder what in the world his or her child was thinking when choosing to do something dangerous. Was the teen thinking at all? (Yes.) Is it really normal for my son to forget everything from his math assignments to what I asked him to do five minutes ago? (Surprisingly, yes.) Parents, by and large, just want to know their own kid is normal.

As a youth worker, I love teenagers and I am fascinated by teenage behavior. This fascination is heightened now that I live with a young teenager, of course. When a parent wants to know if his or her child’s behavior is normal, it is helpful to know a youth minister who’s able to respond to their concerns.

Looking at brain research as a whole, I see several key ideas we need to share with parents. I’m sharing them with parents in my church; you might find these helpful to share with parents in your church, as well.

The Drive for Membership and Identity Formation
My son recently shared with me his frustration about a small group of his friends who now purposely are excluding him. While they all have grown up together, this newly formed clique of friends has a group nickname and is not letting others join the group. My son does not understand why his former friends are not including him; he just knows he is not included. My kid’s feelings are hurt, and it pains me as a parent to hear about it. Nobody likes to feel excluded.

According to Angela Oswalt, MSW of Seven Counties Services Inc., this kind of clique formation is on target developmentally for adolescents, especially in early adolescence. As adolescents gain independence from their families, they have an increased need for cohesion and vulnerability with peers, leading to closer-knit peer groups or cliques. In our youth groups and ministries, we often have to address clique formations. As adolescent brains grow mentally and physically, they also are growing emotionally. It’s natural for adolescents to want to connect with their peers on a deeper, more vulnerable level during this stage of emotional connection.¹ As youth develop a sense of identity, a major component of their identity comes with whom they are surrounded by and connected to through friendships. Peer relationships and determining where they fit in becomes more important than relationships with family.

The drive to be accepted into social circles has deep connections in the brain. Think of it as a survival mechanism—if a teen is accepted into the tribe, his or her chances of long-term survival are better. Combine fluctuating hormones and limited life experiences, and you end up with teens who are desperate to fit in and who can become emotional if they feel excluded.

How Do I Explain the Importance of Belonging?
We can explain that peer connections are incredibly important to adolescents as they work out their identities and add that youth group can be a place of positive peer connection. Adolescents crave places where they know they belong. Youth group can be a place of positive peer relationships if we intentionally make efforts to see that each young person knows he or she belongs to this group. Although we might not be able to eliminate cliques entirely, we can reduce clique formation in our ministries by fostering friendships across group lines by team building and teaching about including others.

The Drive for Experiential Firsthand Learning
When I was a new driver, I got a speeding ticket for driving 81 mph in a 55 mph stretch of state highway, fortunately just under the legal definition of reckless driving. What the police officer did not know was that on the same road trip, I had managed to get my 1993 Geo Prizm up to 100 mph—45 mph above the posted speed limit. What was I thinking at the time? It was a straight stretch of road on a clear day with very little traffic, so I weighed the risks before I hit the gas pedal. Why did I drive so fast? I wanted to know how it felt, and I wondered if my car could go that fast. I did not have any firsthand life experience to tell me the behavior was dangerous. I was not thinking about what could happen if I needed to stop suddenly at that speed. It’s the same way with teens trying to navigate their world: Behavior that seems risky to adults, but with limited life experiences, teens make decisions based on what they perceive as beingworth the risk.

So what is it that drives a teenager to do dangerous things such as driving too fast or taking big risks in spite of what parents or youth workers say? Why won’t they listen to the wisdom and counsel of the adults in their lives? You may wonder this as a youth leader, and you better believe parents are wondering the same thing.

During adolescence, the part of the brain that covers decision making that is being linked to memory and experience is still being developed. Teenagers are trying to navigate the world based on their limited world experience. This means some will do things that seem foolish or risky to an adult who has more life experience.

Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist specializing in adolescence at Temple University, notes an interesting characteristic of teen behavior: Teenagers value real and perceived rewards more highly than adults.² Social rewards in particular are incredibly important to adolescents. A teen may do something dangerous (e.g., jumping off a cliff into the ocean) in the eyes of adults; but if peers perceive it as cool, the teen will believe it’s worth the risk. As their brains develop, teens are more aware of what others are thinking of them. If peers are present, they are more likely to engage in risky behavior.

How Do I Explain Risk-Taking?
A shortcut to learning the lessons of experiential firsthand learning is to learn from the wisdom of others. As adults in youth ministry, we can work with parents to give wise counsel to teens. A youth minister has a unique voice to speak into the life of a young person—we are adults who care about young people without being their parents—so we can give advice that supports what a parent would say, and teens might be more open to listening. We can find ways to direct youth toward healthy risk-taking, teaching them to weigh the possible consequences before they make decisions. Recognizing that the presence of peers increases risky behavior we can supervise teens more closely in groups.³

The Drive of Interference and Distraction
As I mentioned, my son forgets his math homework—a lot. He also forgets his soccer equipment, his binder, his books, his jacket, his lunch money, his socks, his shoes, as well as to put in his contacts. I know his math teacher would tell me this is normal for a middle school boy, but what causes all of this forgetfulness at this age?

The biggest cause of forgetfulness is interference or distractions that get in the way of memory and focus. Adolescents have a lot going on developmentally: Their bodies are changing, their friendships are changing, their brains are changing. Everything is in flux. Couple all this change with a world full of distractions and information overload, and you have a recipe for forgetfulness. Yes, it is normal for teenagers to be forgetful.

How can you help? For the most part, natural consequences eventually will motivate adolescents to remember things. When my son forgets his math homework, for example, the natural consequence is a low grade. In ministry, when a student forgets to sign up for an event by a deadline, a natural consequence could be missing out on the youth event. As youth workers, we can do our best to model healthy behavior that promotes memory development, such as encouraging adequate sleep, sabbath rest and developing student leadership skills and responsibilities.

How Do I Explain Adolescent Forgetfulness?
The part of the teenage brain that receives sensory information is developed before the part of the brain that processes control and judgment, resulting in teens receiving an abundance of information; it is challenging for them to sort out everything. Parents can help limit the distractions and interference in their teens’ lives by reducing the amount of activities and things they have to remember.

What Does this Mean for Youth Ministry?
When we consider the combination of driving forces such as the biological need for peer group acceptance, a lack of firsthand life experience, and a world of interference and distraction, it is no wonder we end up with teenagers who are cliquish, risk-taking and forgetful. As youth ministers partnering with parents, we can try to understand better the drivers and respond with acceptance, wisdom, patience and grace.

¹ Oswalt, Angela, MSM, ed. by C.E. Zupanick, Psy. D. “Teens and Peer Relationships.” Seven Counties Services Inc. 2014. SevenCounties.org. Web. 19 March 2014.
² Dobbs, David, “Beautiful Brains.” National Geographic Magazine. October 2011. NationalGeographic.com. Web. 4 March 2014.
³ Dobbs, David, “Beautiful Brains.” National Geographic Magazine. October 2011. NationalGeographic.com. Web. 4 March 2014.

Erin Jackson founded and directs the mentoring ministry Just One Starfish. She connects and trains youth workers as the national director of community and care for The YouthWorker Movement as faculty of the SMU Perkins School of Youth Ministry and as a speaker for the Youth Specialties National Youth Worker’s Convention. Follow her as ErinJackso onTwitter or on her blog.