I’ll never forget going through a PLACE class at a Nashville-area church—certain I would be DISC-assessed and plugged into an appropriate ministry based on my giftedness, preferences, skills and personality. Instead, I was told, “This is a very social church. I think you would be happier in a more liturgical church.”
Six thousand members and the class facilitator essentially said there was no place for me—an HSP or Highly Sensitive Person.
I first learned about the highly sensitive temperament from Dr. Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Child. Finally, there was someone who understood the way I experienced the world and could explain to me why I have such strong reactions—positive and negative—to circumstances, events, situations and social interaction.
Ane Axford, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York, says an HSP is “someone who experiences the world on a very deep level. At the core, an HSP is someone who notices things that other people do not attend to as closely.”
Citing Aron’s research, Axford went on to say HSPs have a genetic predisposition to process and respond to emotional, mental and physical stimuli—people, situations and surrounding environments, verbal cues, others’ moods and needs, light, smells, tastes, textures, etc.—more carefully and thoroughly than most others are prone to do.
HSPs comprise 15 to 20 percent of the population—too many for the temperament to be considered a disorder, but too few to be understood accurately by society. While HSPs are a minority, with as many males as females having this trait, their percentage is high enough that most youth workers are likely to find HSPs among their students.
Clarifying the Temperament
High sensitivity is different from introversion, autism, shyness, frailty, antisocial personality disorder, a learning disability, sensory processing disorder and/or any other trait. All these things stand alone, meaning an HSP might experience any of these other things as would anyone; but none of them is the same as sensitivity.
“If you think of sensitivity as a filter over everything you do and experience,” says Axford, “HSPs do not have the natural boundaries the general population has to deflect incoming stimuli,” so they are more effected by what’s going on around them.
Also, research has found that while most HSPs are introverts, 30 percent of HSPs are extraverts. HSPs are drained by social interaction. It’s not that they are anti-social, but they socialize differently.
“In terms of introversion vs. extraversion, it’s just a matter of where you go and what you do to get your energy,” says Axford. For example, an introvert is recharged by resting, reading a book, watching a movie; extraverts get their energy from interacting with others, going to a concert or attending a sporting event. For extraverted HSPs, they enjoy being more out than an introverted HSP; but the general rule is that for every hour spent out, they need an hour of downtime to recuperate.
Most HSPs behave as introverts, at least initially and especially in unfamiliar situations. They want and need to observe first before joining an activity because they need time to process what’s happening and to understand what is expected of them. “They may be slow to warm up; but once they understand what’s going on, they can be very talkative and really open up,” says Axford, “but that level of safety has to be there.”
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the need for safety is second only to things such air, water and food; and while group settings usually are safe for most people, that isn’t necessarily the reality for HSPs attempting to fit within a group.
HSPs thrive on calm and order, which can seem boring and mundane to others, particularly sensation-seeking youth. Because youth group settings tend to be high-energy, these situations that are supposed to be fun can be very taxing for an HSP, causing him or her to feel exposed and vulnerable.
When anyone feels unsafe, the involuntary fight or flight response is activated. Because HSPs are noticing so much going on around them, as well as their own reactions, feelings and internal processing, they can become overwhelmed easily. When they are overwhelmed, they can have a strong reaction that’s surprising—even to themselves—that others consider unreasonable.
In order to function at his or her best, a person must feel safe, loved and important; achieving these things for an HSP can look very different than it does for someone else. HSPs are made uncomfortable by things such as surprises; loud, chaotic environments; or if they are expected to react quickly, especially if they are being observed and evaluated—two things that always are happening on some level among youth.
Misjudging Your HSP
A common experience HSPs share is being misunderstood and misjudged by others, who characterize them as “not being on the same page,” aloof, arrogant loners; often presuming HSPs aren’t as smart or don’t have much going for them because they tend to be quiet, reserved, soft-spoken and will think before sharing thoughts and ideas, whereas others think by speaking.
Syler Thomas, YWJ columnist and staff consultant with Youth Ministry Architects first learned of the trait from his wife, an HSP, and says it’s been helpful to him for her talk about her experiences. Since having learned about the trait, Thomas remembers a former coworker with whom there was some tension. “The guy was off-the-charts gifted, but was easily overwhelmed. Knowing about the trait helps me understand how he’s wired and that he’s not incompetent, lazy or a poor planner.”
Because HSPs can lack social energy and verbal spontaneity, they’re easily drowned out in group settings. This is an opportunity for youth workers to advocate for HSPs and make sure they are heard and respected by the group.
“Research shows that HSPs in environments where they are given the freedom and support they need do tend to do better,” says Axford. “Childhood has a really profound effect. HSPs who are trapped in traumatic experiences—and trauma does not mean the same for them as it does for someone hardier—the trauma becomes the air they breathe. (Trauma, in this case, means a constant state of arousal; the person shuts off so as not to remain vulnerable.) By trying to protect themselves from repeated trauma, they also shut out the resources (i.e., intimacy) they need.”
From my own experience, as a teenager it was very painful to watch a certain set of my peers always being selected for leadership roles because they were more outgoing, while others who were just as capable—if not more so—routinely were passed over and ignored.
“I think it’s very helpful to equip youth leaders to know how to be sensitive and inclusive to HSP students. Church should be a place where anyone can belong,” says Brentwood Baptist Church Girls Minister Amy-Jo Girardier. “Knowing to look for HSPs helps us equip our volunteers to pursue these students with Christ’s love in their language.”
Thomas agrees: “It’s not just an introverted thing—not just quiet. HSPs tend to have a lot of gifting, and anyone working with them needs to give a lot of opportunity for that. They’re not going to be forcing themselves to the front, so we need to be proactive for them.”
HSPs tend to be observant, self-regulating (meaning they tend to discipline themselves rather than having to be told to sit down and pay attention), have long attention spans, work well on their own, have rich inner lives, form deep relationships due to excellent one-on-one social skills; listen and problem-solve well; and have a very strong sense of justice.
In fact, rather than being weak or broken, evidence suggests that when HSPs are proactive, they make the best leaders for reasons such as considering how they would feel before giving instruction to others, as well as are able to see how certain decisions will play out in the long run. Their pause-to-check mechanism really is a strength that will benefit the whole group if given deference.
“One of the biggest misconceptions,” says Axford, “is that sensitivity is a weakness. It is not. We do need to change the way we use sensitivity, though. Many HSPs experience it as a weakness because it’s been judged as such. Hardy people also judge the sensitive side of themselves thinking, ‘It will just get in the way and slow me down,’ or, ‘There’s something wrong with me.'”
“Another misconception is that we can’t handle very much,” Axford continues. “Actually the opposite is true. We can and are handling a lot all the time. The perception is due to that fact we become emotional when it’s the last straw. We’re able to deal with deeper, heavier, more intense things.”
The Care and Feeding of HSPs
What can youth ministers do to make groups and activities more pleasant for HSPs? Realize you’re in a place where you can set the tone for whether HSPs want to continue coming to church. The Barna Group already is telling us youth are dropping out of church. For many HSPs, the reality is that in our culture we can find church functions to be some of the most painful of all our experiences.
At a smaller church that I began attending, there’s a young boy who holds his ears throughout services because even in a smaller, quieter, more intimate environment than the aforementioned mega-church, the music is too loud for him.
Remember: Activities that seem mundane and boring to some are life-giving and meaningful to HSPs. When I told an HSP friend I would be writing this article, she noted HSPs tend to prefer a more reverent style of worship. “Some guy up there jamming on a guitar does not feel very worshipful to me,” she said.
If the event is going to be gregarious, “Have a calm, relaxing space HSPs can retreat to and come back to themselves,” says Axford. “When overstimulated, the only thing to do is remove the stimulation. Allow them to go for a walk…There are lots of ways to create that safety. “It’s also important to have transition times and for them to have an idea of schedules so they can visualize and allow their bodies to prepare for the experience ahead. It’s very unsettling for them not to know how things are going to go or what to expect.”
Axford says it’s important to have activities that support HSPs and to learn how to listen to their sensitivity. “Have a creative space and explore what that internal voice is sharing with them, and definitely give them one-on-one time so they know they are loved as they are and that it’s OK to think outside the box.”
Also, do not force them to participate. Let them watch as long as they want and participate if/when they are ready.
Do not tell them not to be so sensitive. It’s part of who they are. You wouldn’t tell an African-American student not to be so black. Accept them as they were made—the whole package.
Do not expect them to grow out of it; it’s not a phase. Learn to appreciate their sensitivity, and help them do the same rather than allowing them to believe they are broken and hopeless.
Look for and recognize them for who they are and what they can do. Never tolerate the view that they are failed extraverts or approach them with an “If only…” attitude.
Keep in mind they are more likely to have food allergies and that most of the staples of a youth group diet (i.e., pizza/gluten/dairy, etc.) can be harmful to them if consumed. Also, be aware that if you have too many events in which they cannot participate due to food issues, they will feel excluded. So, either keep the food events to a minimum, or offer healthy alternatives. Also, ask for a list of acceptable foods and accommodate them as much as possible; but also understand if they have to eat before they come or bring their own food.
“This comes into play especially at retreats, on mission trips and other extended times of them being out of their comfort zones,” Thomas says. “In an hour on Sunday night, the trait might not play itself out. Be aware of bedtimes, too; understand some youth actually like to go to sleep. As a leader, you have to be the advocate and cheerleader and be aware of all the students with whom you’re working.”
