I love this passage of Scripture. I am confident Jesus was not wondering about who He was. But I believe His willingness to thoughtfully engage in one of the deepest questions of humanity grants each of us permission to ask the same question. So following Jesus’ spirit and example, I have been asking, “Who do you say I am, Jesus?”

As I have wrestled with the complicated realities surrounding such a question, I have realized that living out of my truest identity is one of the greatest ways I can love God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. But I have also real­ized that committing myself to living out of my truest identity is one of the most difficult and complicated decisions I will ever make.

Many of us have built wardrobes full of false identities we’ve become too com­fortable in wearing. To enroll in the School of the Soul will require a cleaning of the closet. To become the unique you God has created you to be is one of the greatest and most challenging quests of your life. But there is only one you, and no one else can ever play the unique role God has designed for you alone.

Performers, Pleasers Protectors

Even though there are not PPPA (Performers, Pleasers Protectors Anonymous) meetings all over the coun­try, there are lots of Performers and Pleasers and Protectors who are dying to get out of the cycle of the empty selves in which they are living. What’s even more alarming to me is just how many of us are in youth ministry.

Perhaps it’s because our youth groups were the first safe place where our gifts were encouraged and used for good. Or maybe it’s because each of these roles is rooted in some good quality that becomes distorted.

For example, we all have a desire for encouragement and affirmation. But maybe we find that our once-healthy long­ing for affirmation has started to turn des­perate, and we’ve grown into Performers.

Youth ministry is also a place where there are lots of needs. Very few youth ministries have the luxury of turning volunteers away. Many of us got involved with youth ministry because we love to help and pitch in toward a good cause. But that noble and pure desire to serve God and others can sometimes sour. As we learn how to meet needs and keep others satisfied, the Pleaser is born.

Youth ministry can also be a place where we are affirmed as we are. Such acceptance is a good thing. But when no one challenges us, when no one pushes us to risk, we can fall into the false comfort of being a Protector.

Youth ministries are overflowing with Performers, Pleasers and Protectors—from the paid professional to the volunteer small-group leader to the parent opening her home and paying for the pizza. PPPs are everywhere, but most of us are mas­ters at camouflaging our addictions amidst lots of spiritual activity.

What follows are my own non-clinical and non-Webster’s Dictionary definitions

Many of us have built wardrobes full of false identities we’ve become too comfortable in wearing.

(i.e., they are neither exhaustive nor com­plete). You may feel like you identify with all of these definitions or just one of them:

Performers look for affection and affirmation in the applause of others. They live in a continuous cycle of trying to outshine everyone else. Sometimes the Performer is called a perfectionist. The need to achieve is often the addiction that drives Performers to cover up the deep insecurities that linger within.

Pleasers learn how to adapt them­selves to the expectations of others. They learn what others want to hear and how they want to hear it. People love a Pleaser.

Protectors work hard to keep them­selves away from any possible disappoint­ment. They protect their feelings. They rarely take risks. They stick with what is known and what keeps them feeling safe. Often, they are pessimistic about possibil­ity and potential.

PERFORMERS

What gets applauded in youth ministry and why?

When lots of kids show up regularly, others assume and often say, “God must really be at work in your youth ministry!” When we do an overnight retreat or oversee an out-of­this-world mission trip, we turn up the volume and make sure everyone hears that big things are happening in the youth ministry. Why do we do it? Because when the external signs point to success, we don’t have to focus on the flaws we’re desperately trying to cover up. Big numbers and noticeable events give the impression that all is well in the youth ministry and often conceal our inner fear that our ministries may be shallow or spiritually ineffective.

Too often, we’re excited only when we’re seeing new converts. We view daily faithfulness and obedience as normal and boring.

Youth ministries have become training camps that encourage an unhealthy hierarchy of spiritual gifts. We send subtle and sometimes overt mes­sages that certain gifts are far more important in God’s kingdom. We cele­brate certain gifts, such as leadership and teaching, while brushing over others, like mercy and service.

Many of us have become experts at piecing together an hour-long experience that will speak to the felt needs of students. But I wonder if we’ve packed our cue sheets so tight with dazzling elements that we leave no room for God—what if He took too much time with His message?

PLEASERS

Who are we trying to make happy and why?

Many of us have become proficient at figuring out and then supplying exactly what our leader, senior pastor or boss wants from us. We know their definitions of success, and we are determined to give it to them. Honoring a leader or authority figure is noble and right, but pleasing and playing to an authority figure can be destructive to the leader’s ego and the follower’s sense of self. In these situations, both parties lose.

Youth workers are notorious for wanting to create “holy dittos”—copies of what has been successful in another ministry. If it worked for some other small-group leader or youth minister, we figure it’ll probably work for us. We start to become Pleasers of our peers by copy­ing them.

Parents tend to speak up when things aren’t going well, and many youth workers have become skilled defensive and even offensive players in the ongoing game of trying to please the parents of our adolescents. We try to keep the parents happy; and when they aren’t, we start changing everything around in hopes of winning back their approval and support.

No youth worker wants to feel like the loser adult the students aren’t interested in. Maybe that’s why so many of us have started rearranging how we look and act—so students think we’re cool.

Many of us are obsessed with an internal voice that drives us. We have expectations about who we are and what we need to become. I have talked with so many youth workers who are plagued by unrealistic expectations about themselves and how they need to live. They’ve become prisoners of their own high standards and their need to please themselves.

PROTECTORS

What are we trying to guard and why?

Many youth workers have become professional Protectors because they dread the thought of ever having to admit defeat. There are far too many youth workers who put forth a shiny veneer of security and self-confidence while fighting inside to protect them­selves from their own fears and doubts.

You might not think youth ministry has a long enough history to make us nostalgic and reminiscent of the good ol’ days. But many youth workers refuse to move for­ward because they feel more comfortable with how they’ve always done things.

This desire to cover up our problems rather than deal with them is fairly common among youth pastors. The thought of being exposed for who we really are causes us to become Protectors.

While there is wisdom in denying tendencies toward unhealthy living, I found that God was not asking me to discard components of who I am. Instead, God wanted to walk me toward a more fully integrated me.

Overcoming Our PPP Addictions

For each of us, the honest recognition of our tendency to become Performers, Pleasers and Protectors can be a very difficult experience.

As I said earlier, when I see things in myself that are disappointing or realize I’m not living the way God fully intended, my first response is usually one of extreme intolerance. I try to shed any con­nection I might have with the behavior that concerns me. While there is wisdom in denying tendencies toward unhealthy living, I found that God was not asking me to discard components of who I am. Instead, God wanted to walk me toward a more fully integrated me. I have seen, in my own life and many others, the fruit that comes from fully yielding all we are to Jesus—including our PPP addictions. Listen to Jesus’ words:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. … I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and with­ers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.” —John 15:1-6

Jesus isn’t asking us to connect to Him only the holy and healthy aspects of who we are. He wants all of us—including every possible true and false self—to be connected to all of Him. His invitation to remain in Him is complete and all-inclu­sive. He doesn’t want a divided self. When we are completely connected to Jesus, the true Vine, our lives will bear much fruit. But apart from complete con­nection, our lives are nothing.

Too many of us feel spiritually lifeless because we keep our full humanity detached from the Vine. We live in fear that God is going to throw our ugly selves into the fire, so we don’t allow any of our­selves to remain in Him. One of the most illuminating moments of my spiritual journey came when God revealed to me that He didn’t want to destroy the Performer, Pleaser and Protector. Instead, He wanted to inte­grate my human role as a branch into the fullness of the Vine that is Christ. He wanted to prune back the Performer, Pleaser and Protector so I could become a healthier branch.

–Jeanne Stevens is a 16-year veteran of youth ministry and a CORE trainer for Youth Specialties. This article is adapted with permission from her book Soul School.