Having a kid is just as terrifying and exciting as everyone makes it out to be.
When Owen came into the world, we didn’t understand the number of seismic shifts he would create in our lives. The thing is, it’s been 9 months and those shifts are still happening. Every couple of weeks, Katie and I talk through all the new stuff that we can’t figure out, and how we’re going to keep our sanity with the ebb and flow of ministry responsibilities. Most of our conversations boil down to the constant struggle to manage our time. Right now, these 4 revelations have been a huge help for us, our family, and our ministries:
Set Clear Boundaries on your Calendar
Having a new baby makes me crave structure and boundaries. Without them in my calendar, I wouldn’t get much done. The key for me has been to define different parts of every day into 3 categories:
1) Uninterrupted time.
This is when I need to put in my headphones and crank through project details, prepare for upcoming events, or have scheduled meetings. Katie is the rock star here, caring for Owen completely on her own so that I can focus on my pile of to-do’s.
2) Flexible time.
These times are usually when I’m caring for Owen so that Katie can work through her list of ministry tasks. Depending on the day, I might be able to get some work done while watching Owen, but it’s never a given.
3) Family time.
I actually block out time in my calendar to spend with my family. If I don’t protect that time in my schedule, I’ll find a way to fill it with another phone call, email, or meeting. [i]
Be Mentally Present in Meetings
This is a constant struggle, especially those mornings when I’m late out of the door because Owen has thrown up or pooped on himself, or both. But when I do get it right, when I can be mentally present in my meetings, then I can truly maximize that time. Here’s what helps me:
1) I put my phone away.
It’s amazing how distracting a phone can be even if it’s on silent. So I take the phone completely off the table and put it somewhere out of sight.
2) I use a physical pen and paper.
Some people can take notes on their laptop without the temptation to occasionally check their email or open a web browser to follow some mental rabbit trail. I’m not one of those people. I use a moleskin journal to take physical notes during meetings. It helps me maintain focus and practice active listening.
3) I create a list of what I want to accomplish.
Lists are some of my favorite things. I even draw little boxes next to each item on the list so that I can officially check off an item once it is covered. A few minutes before a meeting starts, I create a list of what I want to discuss, and draw my little boxes next to each item. As the conversation progresses, I check off the items that we cover, and I try to focus our remaining time toward the things that we haven’t covered yet. If we don’t get to something that I’ve included on the list, I try to cover it in a follow-up meeting or conversation.
Ask For Help
I am independent to a fault, so I’ve never been good at asking for help. But Katie and I have realized that we just can’t maintain our ministry responsibilities while being new parents without help from others in our community. Since we don’t have the budget for 5 days of day care every week, we’ve decided to work on a rhythm for asking different types of people for help:
1) Family and friends who might as well be family.
These are the folks who are always there when we need it. If it turns out that we need short notice babysitting without a budget, we call them up and we almost always find the help that we need.
2) Coworkers who also have kids.
Our pastor has a 3-year old, and sometimes she hires a babysitter that wouldn’t mind caring for Owen at the same time as her son. In those cases, we end up splitting some of the cost of the babysitting, and we all reap the benefits.
3) Paid babysitters.
One of the bonuses of ministry is always knowing a handful of high school and college students who could use a little extra babysitting cash. We might only have enough cash for a couple hours a week, but even that small window can help us manage our time.
Evaluate and Adjust
Every month, Katie and I have an intentional conversation to evaluate the schedules we have, the responsibilities coming up, and talk through any adjustments we might need to make to manage our time better. We start with a general agreement that we have to be completely honest with each other, and then we ask these 3 questions:
1) How are you doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
It’s amazing how easy it is to forget to ask this kind of question when we’re in the midst of the busyness of being a new parent in ministry. But it’s important to ask about all 4 states—mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual—because they effect each other.
2) How are you doing with the schedule?
This gives us an opportunity to voice any concerns we have about the current schedule and talk through any necessary adjustments that need to be made. A part of our commitment to be honest during this conversation is also a willingness to do whatever is necessary to fix issues that these questions might uncover. If we’re both doing fine with the current schedule, then great! If it turns out one of us is struggling to maintain it, then we work together to find a solution.
3) Is there anything else I should know?
Being a new parent has changed so many aspects of our life. It affects how we manage our time, but it goes deeper, even to the core of what we understand to be our identity. This question gives Katie and I an opportunity to make sure we say everything that we need or want to say.
These 4 revelations have gotten us through the first 9 months of Owen’s life. I’m sure things will change again next week, but for now, it seems to be working for us.
If you’re a parent in youth ministry, I’d love to know how you’d answer this question:
What is the best advice you’ve received about being a parent in youth ministry?
Email your thoughts to me directly at Jacob.eckeberger@youthspecialties.com. I’ll collect all the best advice into a short follow-up blog post that will be live on the Youth Specialties’ blog as an encouragement to other youth workers.
[i] I swiped the idea about creating clear boundaries from Doug and Cathy Fields’ NYWC seminar on “Building a Successful Marriage and Youth Ministry.”
