Teenage identity is wonderful, isn’t it? Depending on the context, a teenager who attends our programming is a student, a child, a sibling, a friend, a girlfriend/boyfriend, and so much more. You know all about the developmental process that’s happening in your group’s students, including the joy and difficulty of teenage identity. You have a front row seat to their process of becoming who they are.
The process of discovering or crafting an identity has a direct connection to a student’s faith. The more they understand who they are, the more they are able to give themselves fully to God. Conversely, the student who struggles with his or her ontology is likely to struggle with surrendering who they are to God. So, for those of us who love students and seek to see them fully devoted to the God who loves them, we must be more than watchers of their identity formation. We cannot simply sit on the front row and serve only as spectators to their formation. We must be involved, offering safe environments where students discover not only their souls, but also their identities.
We’ve gathered four youth workers together to chat about what it means for youth ministries to help students form their identities. How can we create space for identity development? What ministry contexts prevent healthy development? How do we shepherd students through the process of becoming God’s people? This conversation will help us understand our role in a teenager’s ontological development.
Brooklyn Lindsey is the middle school youth pastor at Highland Park Church, where she spends her time communicating, leading, writing, teaching and trying to learn how to surf. She prefers to be surrounded by the ocean with her husband (also a pastor) Coy, and their sweet girls, Kirra and Mya. To learn more about her ministry and her books visit her website: BrooklynLindsey.com or follow her on Twitter.com@BrooklynLindsey.
Titus Benton has served in tiny rural churches and big fancy suburban ones for more than 15 years. He’s currently the student pastor at Current—A Christian Church in Katy, Texas. He’s also the executive director of The 25 Group, a nonprofit, which is a mashup of Kickstarter, Compassion International and a venture capitalist firm. He’s the dad of two, husband to one and regular (read: the only) contributor at TitusLive.com.
Jason Santos is an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church USA, the associate pastor at New Wilmington Presbyterian Church, in western Pennsylvania. He earned his M.Div. and Ph.D. from Princeton Theological Seminary, where he was named a Timothy Scholar for research on youth and young adult spiritual formation. He is the author of A Community Called Taizé, the subject of his research for the past eight years.
April L. Diaz has pastored in the local church for more than 15 years. Secretly, she’s a total girly girl; reads more than she can put into practice; and is still crazy about her high school sweetheart, Brian. Together, they coparent the most beautiful Ethiopians, Judah and Addise, and bio son, Asher. Her first book Redefining the Role of the Youth Worker: A Manifesto of Integration is a compelling vision for the church’s role with teenagers. You can read more about April at AprilDiaz.com or check out her tweets at @AprilLDiaz.
YWJ: We know the students in our ministries are trying to answer, “Who am I?” What is the youth pastor’s role in helping students answer that question?
Brooklyn: I think the role of the youth pastor is to partner with the primary influences in a student’s life to help replacement happen. We have the Holy Spirit. We partner with families and help parents go after the hearts of their children. We equip small group leaders and set up their abilities to help their groups win. Leaders look after and cheer for the group (a student’s friend circle), creating peer and intergenerational experiences that help them imagine their own faith in the future.
Titus: Brooklyn, the two things you just said that resonate with me most are partnering with parents and creating intergenerational experiences. A third thing I like to do is ask students questions: Who do you want to be in 10 years? What are you all about? Who’s a hero of yours? I love watching kids answer those questions and daydream about their futures. Most of them cut to identity stuff first, not professional stuff. Then I know how I can affirm them moving forward.
Jason: With Brooklyn and Titus, I think the answer to “Who am I?” is found in the larger intergenerational community. I think the challenge we face as youth workers is that every kid is trying to figure out who he or she is as an individual. This is a process that happens in various stages of life and in many ways never ends. As a 40-year-old, I’m still asking that question. With so many perspectives vying for their allegiances, it’s no wonder teenagers struggle with who they are as people. I think the first role of the youth worker is to redirect youth away from an individualistic orientation toward a more communal one that holistically is bound to Christ.
The challenge however, is that the wider evangelical culture boils too much down to being special or unique to God. We tell youth that Jesus died on the cross for them (with an emphasis on the individual), hoping they will feel loved or cherished by God enough to follow Christ. While there are redeeming sentiments in those assertions, in the end it reduces Christ’s work of salvation to something more akin to individualistic therapy or self-help. The more appropriate question perhaps is, “Who are we?”
Titus: Jason, I love that point. “Who am I?” only can be answered within the broader question of “Who are we?” It brings new light to
April: Titus, of course, I’m a staunch believer in the power of intergenerational relationships. The Story of the Good Samaritan answers “Who is my neighbor?” with “someone not like me.” Who’s not like me? Most everyone. Yet we cling to our homogenous, blind-leading-the-blind programs and mentalities, then expect to know who we are. It just doesn’t make sense.
Additionally, I would say we answer “Who am I?” when we ask, “Who is the Triune God?” We can know ourselves only when we know who God is and who He says we are. The epistles are filled with I-am statements resulting from our relationship with Jesus. The psalms declare who God is and who He’s called us to be.
YWJ: Instagram, Facebook and Twitter allow students to create any persona they want. How can youth ministries encourage students to shed the facade of transparency?
Jason: How can we get youth to shed their facade of transparency? Honestly, I’m not sure we can. We can model it…though we don’t. As youth workers, we too are bound to the never-ending pull of social media and self-promotion. We seek after more Likes, more hits and more retweets than we should.
Brooklyn: It starts with us first. Shedding the facade of transparency ourselves is important (online and off). Much of the time, that shedding begins in face-to-face experiences and conversations. I value online experiences. At the same time, vulnerability, trust, openness and honesty have a different and helpful texture when experienced together. It’s why I think it’s important to offer more chances to be in smaller intimate groups where leaders help them discover their most transparent selves. Parents also give this gift to their children; they can be great listeners and conversationalists in their homes.
Titus: In terms of getting kids talking and being vulnerable, we do something that’s old-school. We cut up a bunch of questions and stick them in a water bottle for parents to take and put in their car cup holder or on the dining room table. The encouragement is for them to bust one out at a random time, and the only rule is that everyone has to answer. Some are fun, but some are pretty heavy. We’ve gotten good reports back on how those turned into some pretty real and honest conversations within families.
April: I don’t disagree with my friends here, but I want to offer a contrarian’s view. I think social media offers our students and parents windows into our souls and lives that can offer as much teaching as a Sunday morning. I’m really intentional with my social media activity. I want those in our community to see me taking a day of solitude, loving on my kiddos, bragging on my husband, reading what I’m reading, and so on. I think the danger is when social media is addictive, self-medicating and a replacement for the real, live relationship Brooklyn was talking about. The deepest parts of who I am and where I am do not live on social media, but they are tools to allow our people access to our souls and leadership.
YWJ: There are several cultural dynamics that currently impact student culture: thigh gap, bullying, etc. How are you seeing these dynamics play out with your students? How do these prevent students from becoming God’s people?
April: In our context, the question, “Am I enough?” is everything. Living in Orange County, Calif., south of Hollywood and all-things-perfect, it’s a question our students (and adults!) carry and breathe daily. It impacts stress levels (the highest among any age population in the United States!), identity formation as we referenced above, expectations for the future and beyond. Teenagers’ brains simply aren’t developed enough to be able to decipher some of this truth from fiction. They aren’t mature enough to be able to handle the pressure and expectations they face, thus my hyper-belief that the village is crucial for lifelong faith development.
Titus: Not gonna lie—I’ve seen the thigh-gap stuff online, and I’ve never had the courage to click on it, which sounds weird. I think these identity things make a huge impact. For me, the issues are more related to success than inadequacy or prejudice of some sort. Our kids are held back by their success-relative material prosperity, intense academic scrutiny, elite-level sports competitions, state testing requirements, and keeping up with the proverbial Joneses. They are their grades, their scholarships, their class ranking, their state championships, etc. It’s a weird twist where I live—they’ve got it all. The result is they either don’t realize they don’t have the one thing they really need, or perhaps worse they are just close enough to Jesus to credit Him with their blessings and abundance, but not close enough to hear a word He’s telling them about who they are intended to be.
Brooklyn: I’ve been a Christian for a while now. I know who I am. Still, there’s this question, “Am I good enough?” It’s vital for me to have a steady relationship with Christ, to have an unwavering understanding of who I am. Thigh-gap stuff fits in with every magazine we walk by at the grocery store. We’re constantly faced with a mental measurement that doesn’t apply to us, but it’s constant, pervasive and influential. Our students can feel overwhelmed by this, and they get depressed. I have seen an increase of students who are injuring themselves or denying themselves, sinking into suicidal thoughts and conversations. There is a need for hope that their lives are meaningful, that they are significant, that they will be able to make a valuable contribution to the world. They want to be someone’s first choice. They want to feel that they are a part of something bigger. They want to give back to that. These wants and desires—every one of them—can be satisfied in Christ and in His church.
Jason: No question about it—cultural trends and dynamics affect how young people see themselves. Some of these emphases will fade in time (e.g., thigh gap), while others take expression in new ways (e.g., bullying) with each passing generation. Nonetheless, each takes its toll on how young people see themselves as children of God. Any earthly oriented dynamic that succeeds in convincing teens they are lacking in some way threatens to erode the foundation of who we are in Christ—spiritually redeemed beings formed in the image of God.
YWJ: What are some common ways youth workers sabotage the imago dei in students?
Titus: I think little things such as forgetting a kid’s name, asking public questions such as, “Hey, where is everybody (spiritually)?” makes the kids who [aren’t as spiritually mature] feel pretty unimportant. I think we attach labels to kids they never asked for based on our limited perception. I know I’ve got kids I’ve pegged as future foreign missionaries who God might have created to be school teachers and future preachers who might end up being called into the business arena. I think kids feel that pressure in the same way they feel pressure from coaches, teachers, friends, parents, choir directors, etc. We too often end up on a long list of adults in their lives who have plans for them without ever talking to them about what their plans might be.
Brooklyn: One way we sabotage the imago dei in students is by trying to fit them all into the same mold. If we see potential in a student, the temptation is to steer him or her into leadership in the same ways we were led or assume they want to use their gifts in the ways we imagine them being used. I believe we should fan the gifts of our students into flames by asking great questions instead of asking for great conformity. The kerygma of our faith will be the glue in our groups, but the gifts of the believers will be the fire starters if we allow it. I love that every student in our group reflects a part of God that no one else can. That’s exciting to me. I want to know about that part, and I don’t want to get in the way. Let’s be the best question architects and encouragers who ever lived; and when they begin to show us where their identities are, let’s help them get to places where God can elevate their gifts for His glory.
Jason: I often wonder if we sabotage the imago dei in youth by not really talking about what it is or by making it too individualistic. The image of God in us is the essence of what makes us uniquely human in the first place. The fact that we all bear God’s image is something that is meant to link us to one another relationally and spiritually. My feeling is that we mess this up by making the adolescent search for identity too tied to their personal journeys. Identity never was meant to be individualized for our own self-realization. The imago dei is one of the central facets of our communal ontology. As teenagers realize who they are in Christ, they ought not find themselves, but rather discover a community bearing God’s image.
Titus: I hear you, Jason, but my question is: Can someone really realize true community if they don’t fully realize themselves? Which comes first: identity or belonging? I’ve always thought an individual needs to figure him or herself out before being able to participate in community effectively.
April: Brooklyn, your point on asking questions is key. I think we have to become independent before we become interdependent. It’s a developmental building block just as one must crawl before running. Henri Nouwen talked about how we must move from solitude to community to ministry. There’s a natural progression based on how God’s created us to uncover and live into our imago dei.
I love how Thomas Merton talked about our God-given image. He said, “To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my true character. Love is my name.”
Jason: Titus, your question is challenging in a culture that says you can be whoever you want. The short answer is, yes, I believe we can realize true community prior to understanding ourselves. In fact, I’d assert that is exactly what happens in most cases. Identity is something that is formed in humans throughout their childhood. Sociologist Peter Berger (author of Social Construction of Reality) suggests we have two periods of socialization: primary and secondary. In our primary socialization, we rely on those with whom we have emotional connections (e.g., parents, extended family, communities of faith) to shape our identity and sense of belonging. The identity formed during this period is what I like to call an anchor identity. This anchor identity gradually is challenged by other worldviews during a second period of formation Berger calls secondary socialization. As individuals develop extended social and emotional connections, their understanding of identity changes in time. They then begin the process of evaluating the merits, virtues and worth of their primary socialized identities. Put differently, we realize who we are in a community (in broad and particular definitions) first; then from that communal identity, we begin to form an individualistic understanding of who we are in relationship to others.
The challenge young people face today is a weak sense of their anchor identity (or lack one entirely). This creates a sense of confusion and an uncertainty about which identity personas have worth. In my opinion, that is why we are observing the phenomenon of extended adolescence/emerging adulthood. Young people need an anchored identity from which to test other identities.
YWJ: What tools do youth workers need so their youth ministries will be safe places for students to develop their identities?
April: I think the greatest tool youth workers need to create this safe place is their own safe places to develop their identities. Whether it be a spiritual director, therapist, accountability group, coach or close friend, we need safe places. This is Identity 101 and self-leadership in its simplest form, but sometimes we need to go back to the basics. We cannot reproduce what we are not, and we cannot lead our students to places we have not gone. If we can start from that place, the safe-place question in our context will answer itself.
Titus: Volunteers who get it—who aren’t Super Christians—and are able to relate to the struggle of figuring out who you are…I think grandparent figures are great here, because they don’t really care about seeming cool and are cool just to be. I think kids dig that and thrive in that kind of atmosphere. Ironically, I’m not sure college-age volunteers help to that end, because they’re still trying to be cool and well-liked.
Brooklyn: I’m with Titus on this. Students need leaders they can trust, who will like them, have fun with them, and will show up again and again. They need the consistency that comes with a lot of care through time; it gives them space to work out their faith and understand who they are in Christ. I also think having great curricula and teaching content written collaboratively by teams of people who work with students and are diverse in their thoughts and creativity helps. If we want our students to be able to understand their unique identities in Christ, we need to give them some great examples.
Jason: I agree with Brooklyn and Titus—the greatest tool we have at our disposal (if it’s functioning well) is a community of faith that is authentically journeying together. Kids of all ages need to see other kids, adults and older folks who are journeying alongside them, struggling with the same issues of faith that countless generations have struggled with in eras past. Teenagers need to know adults sometimes doubt, get angry at God, question religious convictions, and test certain boundaries. They need to know they don’t have to figure it all out today or tomorrow. They need to know that sometimes the Sunday service and the preacher’s sermon are boring, and they need to feel the freedom to express their thoughts. Having adults demonstrate vulnerability and openness is a rare treasure for any youth ministry.
